It happens in small moments, in the shower, on the drive home from work, 5 minutes before falling asleep, and the 10 minutes before the last alarm that I absolutely have to stop ignoring or else I’ll be late for work.
In those moments, it completely overtakes me, the self pity and depression and doubt, and I silently scream “it’s not fair”, lamenting over the fact that for 30 years of my life I never felt like I was loved, and that even now, I don’t fit in, that at any moment it can completely fall apart, and the people who have let me into their circles for the first time in my life will silently close ranks again, leaving me watching from the sidelines. I’m used to the sidelines.
Then as fast as it comes, it’s over. Eventually I have to go back to work, talk to my family or skype with my boyfriend, and I’ve been such a heavy burden for my entire life that I’m sick of weighing everyone down. Like a wife who’s found out her husband’s been cheating on her, who has mastered the art of the brave face, I turn up the corner’s of my mouth, turn my voice to the tune of “happy”, and pretend that the emptiness I feel in my chest is nothing more than a flutter.