Small Moments

It happens in small moments, in the shower, on the drive home from work, 5 minutes before falling asleep, and the 10 minutes before the last alarm that I absolutely have to stop ignoring or else I’ll be late for work.

In those moments, it completely overtakes me, the self pity and depression and doubt, and I silently scream “it’s not fair”, lamenting over the fact that for 30 years of my life I never felt like I was loved, and that even now, I don’t fit in, that at any moment it can completely fall apart, and the people who have let me into their circles for the first time in my life will silently close ranks again, leaving me watching from the sidelines.  I’m used to the sidelines.

Then as fast as it comes, it’s over.  Eventually I have to go back to work, talk to my family or skype with my boyfriend, and I’ve been such a heavy burden for my entire life that I’m sick of weighing everyone down.  Like a wife who’s found out her husband’s been cheating on her, who has mastered the art of the brave face, I turn up the corner’s of my mouth, turn my voice to the tune of “happy”, and pretend that the emptiness I feel in my chest is nothing more than a flutter.

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2 thoughts on “Small Moments

  1. Amy Jo Sprague says:

    I’m a writer, so first off, I gotta say you write beautifully. Do you write poetry? Are you working on essays or anything? Writing is my outlet too, and getting published does one good thing for me–it validates my feelings. I’m sorry you feel you gotta be that wife. Turn those corners up. What would happen if you just didn’t? I lost a lot of friends since i got mentally ill, but as the years have gone on, I’ve found out who the real ones are–as tired of a saying as that is. God I know that emptiness too. I’m here. And I can promise you it gets better. Not great. Not healed or cured or recovered, but better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mel says:

      Thank you so much for saying that! I don’t write poetry or anything really, except what I post on here. I keep meaning to, but fear or laziness or other excuses stop me. I think I turn the corners up because I’ve got some good friends, the first ones that are truly mine in a very long time, rather than my ex-husband and ex-rebounds friends. So, I’m afraid of losing them because of my “crazy” (my therapist hates this word lol) And I’m still accepting the term better instead of cured. That’s a hard one, and I’ll probably be more on the road to better once I can accept that fact.

      Liked by 1 person

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