30 minutes ago, my dad sent me a text apologizing for the damage he’s done to me. In a roundabout way, anyway. I’m angry that he will never own up to the things he’s done to scar me, that it’s an apology, but not really an apology. My first reaction is that he’s playing mind games, that he wants something from me, that he’s trying to get a reaction, or wants attention. I want to be able to forgive him, and I wish I could say “yes dad I accept your apology”, but I’m too angry, too hurt.
I wish I could say, “I understand where you are coming from, but this is why I feel the way I do, and you hurt me this and this and this way.” And be able to have a back and forth with him, and get to the root of it and come out the other side, both of us owning up to our part, and have closure.
But it will never happen that way. I have to learn how to forgive him without him truly owning up to what he’s done.
My mom says this is probably going to be the best I ever get from him. But right now, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. And I’m fucking pissed that it came out of nowhere with no rhyme or reason. That it had to be on his terms, that I had no say in it. I’ve never had a say in anything that has to do with him, and I’m sick of it, and I feel guilty that I’m angry about getting an apology rather than grateful.