Decisions

I’ve had a messed up shoulder/neck for at least 15 years.  My pediatrician told me it was because I carried a backpack and if I stopped carrying one, the pain would go away.  So, I’ve dealt with it for half my life because it didn’t ever get unmanageable, and spending money on something that wasn’t killing me seemed like a very poor decision.

A couple months ago, it’s gotten worse, so since I have pretty good insurance, and I’m trying to “better myself” so that I can move to New Zealand to live with my fiance, I thought, hey, why not try and sort my shoulder out.  I’ve had 7 sessions of physical therapy over the last few weeks, and it hasn’t gotten any better.  And I’m pissed.  Not at the doctor who referred me, not at the physical therapist.  At myself (what a shock) for making another bad decision.

I’m obsessed with not making bad decisions.  I’ve made so many in my life, that I feel like I have to make up for it all.  I married a felon.  Soon after separating from him, I moved to California to live with a guy who lost interest in me because I was no longer with my husband, and refused to be a slut for him (sorry mom, tmi).  I’ve avoided potential job opportunities because I was too lazy or depressed to want them badly enough.

And now, as dramatic as it sounds, I’ve spent a good chunk of money to try and fix my shoulder and it hasn’t helped at all.  And it’s gotten in my head.  I’m completely frozen, afraid to make a move in any direction, because I made the wrong decision.  I need to sort out a surgery for my dog, and don’t know the best way to go about it, I have a huge international move pending, and feel like I’m going nowhere, and decisions need to be made.  I feel like if I make the wrong decision, everything will be fucked.

And I guess I’m just trying to get this out because it’s frustrating.  I’m tired of feeling like my entire 30 years of life is just a series of bad decisions, and it’s really upsetting that it makes me feel like giving up because why try when the decisions I make are never the right ones.  I want to WANT to keep trying, to keep fighting, because that’s what I do.  I keep trucking along, in the hope of living my life in an intelligent, thought out way that will lead me to happiness.  I haven’t lost hope yet, but there are moments I DO feel hopeless, and it pisses me off.

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