That’s how long I had more happiness than sadness, more good than bad, more peace than anxiety.
I’ve been on Lamictal for 2.5 months now, and the first few weeks were pretty good, then it was rocky for a bit, then I had 3 weeks of bliss. Maybe not true bliss, but compared to the majority of the last decade, it felt pretty blissful.
I had anxiety, of course, but it was short-lived, or didn’t go above a 7. Which is saying a lot, since the 12 months previous to that rarely went below a 7. I felt like I had a handle on my life. I was feeling motivated, getting things done that needed to get done, and surprisingly not waiting until the last minute. I know I wasn’t as “happy” as I’m sure I could be, but I felt like I was on the right track. I felt like I was one step closer to becoming a normal person. My therapist hates that word, “normal”. And I know, theoretically, that normal is non-existent. Everyone has their thing/s that make them abnormal. I know that normal is a bad goal to shoot for, and it’s not one that I’m consciously putting effort into, but it’s still hard to think of becoming stable as anything other than normal.
Three weeks. Then I started PMSing. I did a little research a couple months ago after a particularly bad hormonal week, and a few different things said that PMSing can make anxiety worse. Thank God. This time, I didn’t freak out. I “rode the wave” trying to just let the hormones do their thing, and just let myself feel sad or anxious or whatever, knowing that once the PMSing was done, I’d start feeling happy again. And I was fine again after a day or two. Then I had a really crappy weekend before my birthday (officially in my early 30s), and although there have been a few really amazing things that have happened over the last 10 days, (namely involving my fiance) it’s just felt like I’m completely losing control, losing any progress I’ve made, and I don’t know how to stop it.
I know one of the things that’s amplifying it is that I’m having anxiety about my anxiety. That’s one of the number one thing almost any article or blog post or anything relating to anxiety says is common, is that having anxiety about your anxiety is a lot of times what keeps the wheel turning. And I know that I could maybe slow it down by practicing meditation/mindfulness exercises and a few other tools that my therapist has recommended, and I honestly don’t know why I don’t. Maybe I think if I can just plow through it, I’ll eventually not have to rely on tools to help me get out of an anxiety circle. Because as I’ve said before I’m still in denial, still hoping that one day I’ll be fixed.
Maybe that’s what’s getting to me, is that I had three weeks of not feeling broken. And now I’m back to someone needing to be fixed. I’m tired of feeling like a person who needs fixing. I’m tired of getting an extreme adrenaline rush when my internet cuts out for a half a second, or any number of other things that set my anxiety off. An hour slash hours worth of anxiety for half a second is exhausting and so discouraging.
I’m sure in a day or two or 30 I’ll feel better, and I hope I’ll get back to that “blissful” space, and that they will start to last longer. But as for now, I’m feeling broken and disheartened and hopeless, and so overwhelmed that I have to pick up the pieces from the floor for the umpteenth time and start assembling myself again. I really need some better glue.